The Epidemic Of Loneliness

More and more adults report feeling lonely. It's a strange irony that in a world where the population continues to increase, and we are more interconnected via technology than ever before, people are feeling more and more lonely.

Human beings are social creatures. This is more than just preference. It's an evolutionarily developed survival strategy. 10,000 years ago being alone meant almost certain death.

The families, tribes and groups with the strongest social bonds had the best chance of survival, which is why we are hard wired for social connectedness.

So of course, developing and nurturing strong, healthy relationships is an important life skill - for mental and physical wellbeing.

However, loneliness and being alone are not the same thing. You can be alone and perfectly happy and content. You can also be surrounded by people and feel lonely and isolated.

Loneliness can be boiled down to three words....

"Nobody gets me."

Its a sense of isolation that comes from feeling like nobody understands what you have been through, what you are going through, how you feel, and what its like to walk in your shoes.

But heres the honest truth...

Everybody can play that game legitimately!

Everybody can say...

"You just don't understand what its like to...(insert the blank)"

...have been physically or mentally abused

...have been abandoned and neglected

...have an alcoholic father and an emotionally unavailable mother

...have divorced parents

...get picked on for wearing thick glasses

...get bullied for being poor

...be a single parent

...have PCOS

Or even...

...grow up with so much privilege but feel so much pressure to live up to expectations and be a success, and feel like a constant failure because I should have been president or the queen by now!"

Now, a very common response to this, is to then start competing on who's had the most trauma...

There is nothing wrong with that response. It's a very normal response when you're struggling. However, it's completely disempowering.

What are you REALLY fighting for? You're fighting for the right to self pity, the right to be irreparably isolated, alone, and lonely.

Congratulations! You win the trophy for the most lonely, the most traumatised, and the most damaged!

Here's whats REALLY going on...

I like to imagine every single human being on the planet as walking around with a huge billboard above their heads saying,

1. Please see me and hear me for who I REALLY am, and...

2. Please unconditionally love and accept me for who I really am...

But here's the problem...

You will NEVER feel seen and heard, or loved and accepted, if you don't first and foremost love and accept yourself -

UNCONDITIONALLY.

Think about it. You could be surrounded by the most kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic, loving people...but...

...if you don't love and accept yourself unconditionally, you're not going to FEEL seen & heard or loved & accepted.

You're not going to believe people's love is sincere. Or you're not going to think that you deserve it, or that you're worthy of that kindness.

Also, if you don't have that foundation of self worth, self love & self acceptance, then you're going to lack vulnerability.

So even though you crave being seen, heard, loved & accepted...

...you're going to keep people at arms length,

...you're going to try to hide certain parts of yourself,

...and you're going to try to present a fake facade of perfection.

...Which makes it impossible for people to see, hear, or connect with the real you anyway!

No wonder you don't feel seen, heard, or understood!

So, back to the, "you don't know what its like for me" conversation.

Do I need to have your genetics, your childhood, and your life experiences in order to genuinely give a shit?! In order to be compassionate, empathetic, kind, caring and loving?

Of course not!

But again, you will NEVER feel like anybody "gets" you - or in other words, feel seen, heard, loved or accepted - until you see, hear, love & accept YOURSELF first.

Now, hopefully it's blindingly obvious that we are NOT saying that people who are struggling with loneliness should be ignored because ultimately it's on them anyway...

OF COURSE we should strive to be kind people. To be more compassionate, empathetic, kind and caring. The world could do with more people who are going to reach out and check in on each other.

BUT...we're also not going to enable your addiction to needing somebody else to MAKE you feel like you're enough!

You have to do your part.

If you're not willing to do the inner work on self worth - to reveal your blindspots, eliminate your false beliefs, and establish a foundation of unconditional self acceptance - then expecting other people, life, or the universe to fix your loneliness problem is completely misguided and 100% victim mode.

WHAT ABOUT DATING OR LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP?"

"Surely it's not unreasonable to want to share my life with somebody?!"

All these struggles can be exacerbated when somebody craves a romantic relationship.

But as always, the areas of our greatest struggle are also our greatest opportunities for growth.

YOU are the generator of your own experience. In essence what you're saying is...

"I can't be happy, grateful, present, or enjoy my life UNTIL I meet someone. So I'm going to stay unhappy, stay pissed off, stay resentful, stay feeling sorry for myself until I meet someone...

...Have I met anyone yet? Ok fine, I'll stay despondent...

...Have I met anyone yet? Ok fine, I'll stay despondent...

...Have I met anyone yet? Ok fine, I'll stay despondent...

But who is the most likely person to spontaneously meet an amazing life partner...

The person who is permanently despondent? Who feels lonely and desperately needs somebody else to MAKE them happy. Who is constantly screening everyone (judging them) as to whether they're a suitable candidate or not. Who cant regulate their own emotions and needs somebody else to prop them up. Who can't enjoy life unless everything perfectly matches their expectations. Who can't be grateful, present, relaxed, or enjoy the small things in life until they have everything they say they want. Who puts their enjoyment of life, and their commitment to becoming the person they want to be on hold until they get what they want...?

OR the person who is sincerely in love with life and in love with themselves - not in a narcissistic way, but in a truest sense of the word love. They're totally comfortable in their own skin, they're open, relaxed and fun loving. They're filled with gratitude, they are fully present and in the moment, and they know how to enjoy the smallest day to day moments...?

Which one would you most notice in a crowd? Which one would you be the most drawn to?

This is one of the many dichotomies of life. The ability to be committed but unattached. the ability to say,

1. "Yes, I'm ready and open to meeting someone, and I'll put myself out there and expose myself to meeting new people - NOT from a place of desperation or neediness - but from a place of fun, exploration, discovery, surprise, going with the flow, and surrendering to the serendipity of life"

2. AND I don't NEED to meet somebody, because I'm already happy and fulfilled. I love myself and I love my life. I'm fully present, I'm grateful, and I bring the joy everyday."

So there are two key lessons here:

Firstly, loneliness is self fulfilling. But the better your relationship with yourself, the more deeply you're able to connect with otherswithout judgement and without an agenda, and the more others are drawn to your energy.

Secondly, the more you're able to embody the dichotomy of being fully committed to an outcome, whilst simultaneously being fully present and surrendering to the flow of life, the happier you are, the easier life becomes, and ironically, the more you tend to attract what you wanted in the first place.

David & Rachel 

xxx